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The Occasional Deitch presents as a special supplement:




© 1992-2002 by Gene Deitch

ART
Art is something you do that other people think is worth looking at.

Art is something that if it's done by someone you've heard of, it gets high bids at auctions.

Art is the easiest job there is, because you don't have a boss, and you can sit around for a long time waiting for a muse or something to give you an inspiration.

BODIES
Bodies come in people, cars & trucks, and legislative.
They usually start out OK. But sooner or later all of them get bent and warped.

BUGS
Bugs come in four types, six-legs, eight-legs, 100-legs, and no-legs. They don't get along because they're mad that the legs aren't divided up fairly.

BUTTERFLIES
Butterflies do not eat butter and they are not flies. Their name is probably a mistake, and they should be called "flutterbys." The main thing is they are all in costume. They are really caterpillars with a secret identity.

A COMPUTER
A computer was first made to count things, but is now mostly for playing games, chatting, buying stuff on the internet, and otherwise drive you crazy.

EARS
Ears are the funniest things on your body, except for your bellybutton. Ears just sort of hang out there, all warpy, and exposed to high winds. The basic design is flawed as they quickly freeze in the winter time. Even though they are generally useful for hearing stuff, and if you have two of them, you can pick up stereo. It may be that true primary function of ears is to hold your glasses on. The second most important things about ears is that you can have holes punched in them to hang things from.

ELECTRICITY
Electricity comes in both wires and batteries. The wires don't usually wear out, but they can be shocking.

Electricity can make your stove hot and your fridge cold, so it's not something you can really trust.

It is said that once there was no electricity, and even no television or internet (!!!), but it's hard to believe in fairytales.

E-MAIL
E-mail is to make sure that every joke there is will be read by everyone on Earth at least two or three times each.

THE FACE
The face is usually located on the front of the head. It is a great place to stick chocolate cake.

Faces come in a variety of colors, but many people like to paint them anyway.

Faces start out nice and smooth, but unfortunately they do not keep very well, and in time they get all scriggled up.

A face is something you never forget, even if you can't remember the name that goes with it.

FINGERS
Fingers with luck come five on each hand. They let us play the piano, violin, harp or guitar, work computer keyboards, fondle pets and other people, pick pockets, and tie shoelaces, but are mainly useful for showing off gold rings.

The Index Finger is especially useful for pointing to others who can be blamed.

GOD
God runs everything. That is why He must be a She. She created the whole world in just six days. That's why She said, "Let there be light!" It would have been tough to do such a big job so fast in the dark.

God has a lot of different names, depending on which religion is fronting for him, her. That's probably why there are so many bad things going on the world. When people want to ask for God's help, they can't be sure they have the right address.

God is someone you absolutely cannot argue with. You don't want to get on His Her bad side. In fact, He She doesn't have a bad side, and the worst thing is He She knows all about your bad side!

HAPPINESS
Happiness definitely exists, but it's mainly experienced by dogs.

A HOUSE
A house is best if it's big enough to get inside it. You can put windows in it so you can see out, but it is not supposed to be nice to peek into them.

Other things you can do in a house: Sleep in it, sometimes paint the walls, keep dry when it rains, (If the house has a roof), and sell it to buy a bigger one.

THE INTERNET
The Internet is something you surf and don't really know what you are looking for, and what you find is a tremendous phone bill.

KLEENEX®
Kleenex® is a registered trademark, so they told me I have to call their stuff just "tissues." Anyway, Kleenex® is something like toilet paper, only for the nose. Kleenex® used to be called handkerchiefs; only the fact is it doesn't stand up in the wash nearly as well.

LIFE
Life is what you do before you get dead.

Life is short, but it does have some boring places in it. While you're alive you are supposed to say only nice things about people who are not alive. You only get one shot at life, that is unless you believe in reincarceration. Many people wonder what is the meaning of life. That's simple. When anything annoying happens, you say, "That's life!

LOVE
Love is what you're supposed to feel for your older sister. Sometimes it's possible.

MONEY
Money is stuff that doesn’t look like anything special, but people are convinced that it’s worth something.

Money is what life is all about. That must be true, because everyone does everything and anything to get it, and if they can’t get it, they insist on talking about it all the time. In most places you can’t live very well without it, and if you have a lot of it there are people willing to kill you for it.

NOSES
Noses all have two holes in them, but outside of that they come in all kinds of weird shapes; long, short, pug, pointy, fat, straight, hooked, wide, and flat. and they take turns being runny and stopped up.. The main use of the nose is to tell you what's on for dinner.

A PROMISE
A promise is something you make so that another person will believe that you will really do something. In certain cases, you will be smart if you really do it.

A promise is what everyone is supposed to keep. They're good things, because it makes you feel good to give one or get one.

ROAD MAPS
Road Maps are large pieces of paper with places on them where you want to get to, and a lot of roads with numbers that go to other places. They come all folded and if you open them up you can't see where you are going anyway. It usually turns out that if you try to open them only to the place you want to go to it will be right on the fold. The worst thing about maps is that if it's more than a year old, the roads don't go your way anymore.

THE SKY
The sky starts at the tops of mountains and goes all the way up to the moon. From there on up it's called outer space and it's full of stars and TV satellites

SEX
Sex is something your parents did, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Sex is what you are one of, but there can be exceptions.

Sex used to be something secret, but now it's something your 5-year-old younger sister explains to you

SOME THINGS
Some things are better not to try. For example: how to get all of the dirt out a hole in the ground. You can dig and dig, and there will always be more dirt. If you would really try to dig 100% of the dirt out of a hole, it would get bigger and bigger, and you would make the entire whole world disappear!

TOES
Toes are generally shorter than fingers, and thus not well suited for playing the piano. Toes are extremely painful when stepped on, especially when one of the toenails is ingrown. What collects between toes is not a suitable subject for this book.

TRUTH
Truth is easy to figure, because if you don't tell it your ears turn red, and your hair stands straight up. It must be something like that because your folks always seem to know when you're not telling it.

UP
Up is the opposite of down, except when you are standing on your head.

VACUUM CLEANERS
Vacuum cleaners suck. Well, that's what they do. They have many uses, but mainly they are for catching flies in midair, and for removing dandruff.

WAR
War is when two countries fight it out, and both are on the side of God. They each hope they picked the right God.

WEATHER
Weather is something that is always unusual.

Weather is something that makes you keep changing your clothes.

Weather comes in four basic types, Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter, but it can rain in all of them.

WHISPERING
Whispering is supposed to be so no one around can hear what you're saying, but it doesn't work, because when you whisper, everybody around right away turns up the volume on their ears.

WORK
Work is what you do to get money.

Money is what you need to get stuff.

Stuff is what fills up your house, until you have a garage sale.

A garage is what is too stuffed to get your car into.

A car is what takes you to work.

X
X is a letter very few words start with.

YESTERDAY
Yesterday was the day you were supposed to do something extremely important, and now it’s too late.

YOUNG
Young is when you have no idea at all that you will ever not be.

ZEBRAS
Zebras are white animals with black stripes, though some fools think they are black animals with white strips.


There’s a lot more stuff I know about, but I think I’ve already told you most of what you need to know.

If you know anything I don’t know please write me immediately: genedeitch@yahoo.com

Yours truly, Gene Deitch

©2002


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